HOW TO FIX A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP.
A broken heart is unmistakable. We think of nothing else. We feel nothing else. We care about nothing else. And often, we can do nothing else except sit with immense pain, grief, and loss. Heartbreak can last for days, weeks, months, and even years.
Yet while we wouldn’t expect someone to go to work or function with a broken limb, heartbroken people are expected to function in their lives, despite the emotional pain they feel.
Whether it comes in the form of romantic love or through loss, heartbreak is ubiquitous. Yet we know so little about how to deal with it. Psychologist Guy Winch urges us to rethink the way we deal with emotional pain, offering warm, wise, and witty advice for the brokenhearted.
Relationship: What you must know.
MOMENT WITH DURTUN.
Our hearts might be broken but we do not have to break with them. We can take control of our lives and our minds and put ourselves on the path to healing. How to Fix a Broken Heart offers a toolkit for how to handle and cope with a broken heart and how to, eventually, move on.
Bess Myerson once wrote that “to fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.” Especially if you are the one who wanted the relationship to last.
Mending a broken heart is never easy. There is no quick way to stop your heart from hurting so much.
To stop loving isn’t an option. Author Henri Nouwen writes, “When those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful.”
But how do we get beyond the pain?
HERE ARE 10 TIPS I’VE GATHERED FROM EXPERTS AND FROM CONVERSATIONS WITH FRIENDS ON HOW THEY PATCHED UP THEIR HEART AND TRIED, EVER SO GRADUALLY, TO MOVE ON.
- DETACH AND REVEL IN YOUR INDEPENDENCE AGAIN.
Attempting to fill the void yourself — without rushing to a new relationship or trying desperately to win your lover back — is essentially what detaching is all about.
The Buddha taught that attachment that leads to suffering. So the most direct path to happiness and peace is detachment. In his book, and from my research base on our topic on #Thecase group. Eastern Wisdom for Western tells a wonderful story about an old gardener who sought advice from a monk. Writes Parachin:
Please I want you to carefully read this part
“Great Monk, let me ask you: How can I attain liberation?” The Great Monk replied: “Who tied you up?” This old gardener answered: “Nobody tied me up.” The Great Monk said: “Then why do you seek liberation?”
One of the most liberating thoughts I repeat to myself when I’m immersed in grief and sadness is this: I don’t need anyone or anything to make me happy. When I’m experiencing the intense pangs of grief, it is so difficult to trust that I can be whole without that person in my life. But I have learned over and over again that I can. I really can. It is my job to fill the emptiness, and I can do it… creatively, and with the help of my higher power.
- GO THROUGH IT, NOT AROUND IT.
I realize the most difficult task for a person with a broken heart is to stand still and feel the crack. But that is exactly what she must do. Because no shortcut is without its share of obstructions. Here’s a simple fact: You have to grieve in order to move on. During the 18 months of my severe
depression, my therapist repeated almost every visit: “Go through it. Not around it.” Because if I went around some of the issues that were tearing me apart inside, then I would bump into them somewhere down the line, just like being caught in the center of a traffic circle. By going through the intense pain, I eventually surfaced as a stronger person ready to tackle problems head on. Soon the pain lost its stronghold over me.
- LIST YOUR STRENGTHS.
Sometimes ago I post a technique that helps me when I feel raw and defeated to try anymore is to list my strengths.I say to myself, “Self, you have been sober for 20 years!! Weaklings can’t pull off that! And here you are, alive, after those 18 months of intense suicidal thoughts. Plus you haven’t smoked a cigarette since that funeral back in December of last year!” I say all of that while listening to the “Rocky” soundtrack, and by the last line, I’m ready to tackle my next challenge: move on from this sadness and try to be a productive individual in this world. If you can’t list your strengths, start a self-esteem file. learn how you build one.
- ALLOW SOME FANTASIZING.
Grief wouldn’t be the natural process that it should be without some yearning for the person you just lost. Dr. Christine Whelan , who writes the “Pure Sex, Pure Column” on BustedHalo.com, explains the logic of allowing a bit of fantasy. She writes:
If you are trying to banish a sexual fantasy from your head, telling yourself “I’m not going to fantasize about her” or “I won’t think about what it would be like to be intimate with him” might make it worse… In a famous psychological study from the 1980s, a group of subjects were told to think about anything but whatever they did, they were not supposed to think about a white bear. Guess what they all thought about? [A white bear.]
- HELP SOMEONE ELSE.
When I’m in pain, the only guaranteed antidote to my suffering is to box up all of my feelings, sort them, and then try to find a use for them. That’s why writing Beyond Blue contributes a big chunk to my recovery, why moderating Group Beyond Blue has me excited to wake up every day. When you turn your attention to another person — especially someone who is struggling with the same kind of pain — you forget about yourself for a split moment. And let’s face it, that, on some days, feels like a miracle.
I WILL STOP HERE FOR NOW, YOU ARE FREE TO DROP YOUR QUESTIONS AND CONTRIBUTION IN THE COMMENT BOX.
I am DURTUN.